for the times, they are a chaaaaaaaaanging...

Well, in the months and months it has been since i've posted, much has changed.

boy and i broke up. he did it, after we had a very bad night at his cousins 21st. he ignored me for the whole night, and i got really angry with him and took him on about it. when he eventually got the balls up to face me and apologise for his appaling behavoiur, he told me that he loved me to pieces, he just didn't love me as much as i deserved to be loved. i told him that was a cop-out, and a crock of shit. he admitted as much. he also told me that he wasn't dealing with his problems very well, and was drinking too much, and needed some space to sort it out. i suggested a break, because i'm a hopeless romantic, but he said single. i wish i had just kicked him out, instead of trying to solve shit. i should have kept all of my dignity, but instead i gave him a little bit.

i'd give myself a 7 out of 10 for the handling of the breakup. thats not a bad score i don't think. i wish i had cried less in front of him, and slapped him and kicked him out. on the plus side, i didn't beg, and i certainly never tried to get him back.

i was devastated, and part of me still misses him. this was a man i could see in my future. i thought he was 'the' man in my future. unfortunately, i think he had another woman in his present.

i asked him, and he denied it, but i don't believe him. he broke up with me on sunday, and by thursday, despite telling me he needed to be single to sort his shit out (and get sober), he had a new girlfriend. i tried to be his friend, but then all of a sudden i reached an important conclusion.

i don't want to be his friend right now.

i don't trust him, i don't believe him, and i certainly don't feel like i could rely on him. and that is what i need in friends. because i strive to be the friend you could ring at 3 am, and know that she would be there for you. i am pretty good at achieving that ambition too.

my dad got sick a few weeks ago, and spent the weekend in hospital. (he's fine now, mostly. they're doing tests, but the doctors don't seem too worried. they say maybe it was just a little heart attack. i think i'm supposed to be comforted by that.) i was in touch with his brother, because he's my motorbike mate, and i told him all about it. and i didn't hear a peep from boy. i know that maybe he just didn't know what to say, or how to tell me that he knew, but as a friend (which he certainly seems to want to be, the way he e-mails me) he should know that hearing from a friend is always a good start. a really good start.

i also wish i had taken my key off him on the spot, because he let himself into my home when i wasnt there to get his stuff. i went mental at him for that. he knew he'd stuffed up.

i think the best bit is that his family tell me that he has made the biggest mistake of his life. it feels good. it feels good to be still welcome at his place (i time it for when he's not there) and to get kisses from his grandma, and for his uncle to bring me chocolates and tell me how much boy screwed up. entirely unsolicited comments i might add. my policy has been to say that we broke up, and it was his call, but to say nothing more. its part of my retaining my dignity plan. and its working! i don't look sour, i just look honest and sincere. i think its handy that i'm not sour. i'm not bitchy, i don't wish him massive ills (just little ones. like zits and miserable dreams where he realises just how hot i really am!) i just feel reassured to know that i was not the one who ran (because i usually do that) and i didn't chicken out, and i didn't bail on him. i tried. hard.

anyways, i am now moving on. i have a few plans, and i'm going to let you in on them, once i work them out crystal clear in my head!

i had a little fling, but he's 4 years younger than me, and it just wasn't going to happen. but, the fling and i (lets call him the workie) are great mates, and now have heaps of fun together. we go places, and he cooks for me, and truthfully, he's damn good for the ego!

getting better

so, I was pretty upset about my work for a long while. it was just crap, my boss was being a total prat, and I was miserable. So I made a big decision, and decided that it was maybe time to head to the big smoke an try something new. I told Boy, and he was cool with it. Excited in his own way, and that was lovely.

now, my boss has gone and grown a brain, maybe he noticed how completely demoralised I was becoming, I don't know. In any case, he grew up.

And, in exciting, maybe I'm finally a grown up news, that it doesn't make a difference. Because, I am not just making this decision as a reaction to him. I am making this decision because it is important to boy (he's dying to get back to the big smoke, he lived there for 4 years) and because I think I need to push myself. Try something new. Challenge Myself.

My hometown will always be here. I will (assuming I handle leaving in the right way) be able to come back here. But, I will not always be able to go and try the big smoke.

I have no support network in the city like what I have here and that terrifies me. I think I would have gone over the edge without them this last few months. But, realistically, they'll head to the city soon, and more than being first to make the move, the idea of being one left behind is awful. terrible.

So, big decisions to be made. Big changes. I'll even do them without boy if that is what it takes.

Suggestions?? Ideas?? Comments?? Solutions to my nerves about this decision?? Please, I'm begging. Tell me I'm not insane.

Tell me I'll be ok.

slack slack slack

I wonder. how do I expect to ever have any regular readers if i never update?

I guess its partially because there isn't a lot that I can talk about happening. work is ok, it has its moments. I guess my greatest concern is that I am not really cut out for my career. I haven't been sleeping well, and that just makes me crazy.

I have gotten around that lately by distracting myself. When I wake up and start thinking about work, I then distract myself by planning stuff. Parties that I will never throw. outfits for places I'm not going, but I'd like to go to. its working a treat right now, cross your fingers for me that it keeps going.

My poor boy even commented to me 'where is my vespa-girl? she's not here with me, she's sure not at work? where is she?'

that made me really sad actually. he was so sweet. I've been so strung out by work lately, and I feel so low about myself, that I do silly things, like cry because I can't decide whether to stay at my place or go with him, or because he beats me at chess. (i suck at chess incidentally, and fully expected to lose.) go figure. he was so totally there for me friday, when I was teary and stupid, and I know he loves me. what more do I need? he tells me i'm pretty, even with a snotty nose, and knows when to make me talk to him, and when to leave me to stew.

even though he drives me nuts, I know he's it for me, and I love him. i think maybe i almost love him more when he drives me nuts. completely illogical I realise, but that is the mystery of love I guess.

i've found out that i should be coming into some money very soon (not that much, like a grand or two. hardly a million bucks, but my god will it make my life different for the next 6 months!), and i'm hoping that because that will seriously ease my money troubles, it will help me to relax a little.

public holiday tomorrow, for ANZAC day. I think that how grateful I am for the public holiday is totally outweighed by how grateful I am that those men and women fought for me. my flag, my nation, my way of life and my privilege to live it. even if I don't like the flag much sometimes, and wish we could do away with the union jack sometimes, because of these people I am free to say that. and equally, I will argue passionately that we should keep our flag that those brave people served under. maybe just as our way of tipping our hats to them.

total stream of consciousness post, but that is my life right now.

more soon.

today

not a bad day today, although it would have been better if there was more to do! I have just been sent home about 3 hours early, which is good, cos I can go to bed, but bad, cos I would love to be busy, and having a blast. I've at least met some really cool people, including at least one who I'll keep in touch with.

Just keep your fingers crossed for me that it will get busy tomorrow, and I will have something very fun and exciting to do.

Oh, and cross your fingers that the food gets better too please - sandwiches are yucky when they're soggy!

Not even any celeb sightings to report today. I haven't seen anyone really cool yet.

Some of the Smurfs (as we are affectionately known!) saw Prince Edward last night, and a lucky few even had lunch with him. I saw Garry Lyon, a washed out footy player who's kinda porky and smokes (ew, and not a good role model for the kids who still idolise him!) Christine Nixon, the chief of police, and Ron Walker, the head of the games corporation. I really wanted to meet someone cool! I"ll keep hoping, got a few shifts left!

more soon, now its home to watch the TV coverage.

Let the Games Begin!

Ok, so I am volunteering at the Commonwealth Games, where incidentally, the Aussies are winning nearly everything!! Go Aussies!!

I'm having a great time, apart from the killer sore feet. I work in an office usually, and I am used to the brain tired at the end of the day, but I'd forgotten what it is like to come home at the end of the day with sore feet. I tried to get some sympathy from Boy, who works in retail, but he didn't feel like being very supportive or sympathetic actually! Meanie!!

I've met some dead set freaks, mainly other volunteers who clearly don't have many people to talk to most of the time, but I have also met a top chick, and we went and got our nails done this week. too much fun. I'm going to try posting a pic for you to see them, but i'm in an internet cafe, and I don't think it will work. I may have to leave it until next time. I'm thinking that is going to be the best idea. Sorry!! You'll have to tmake do with description - I have Australian Flags on mine. I feel very cool, even though its actually very geeky!

Anyways, I am about to run out of time. I promise I will post more soon, may even get in tomorrow to cafe again to tell you more.

One last thought for you.... Go Aussie!!

Slack Poster!

I have been so busy, but that is no excuse. I'm sorry, blog, for being such a slacker!

My boss went away, and I was flat out here at work, and then I had a week to get myself organised for my holidays! Hooray!!

I am going to be a Volunteer at the commonwealth games. I'm so excited, it is a once off opportunity for me. I say that because I assume that by the time something like this comes around again, I will probably have a lot more job responsibility, and (hopefully!) a family to think about!

So, I'm off. I'll be pointing you in the direction of the nearest outside viewing area, train station or public toilets, in my geeky uniform with a smile on my dial, because I"ll be outside and doing something different for a couple of weeks.

Someone told me I was crazy for using my holidays to do this. Especially when I don't get paid. They said that I would be pooped when I got back. But here's the thing. Its a break from my life. its something different, new, and I have basically no responsibility. at the end of the day, I don't have to keep thinking about it. can't wait. just have to get everything here at work ready for someone else to take over for 2 weeks. busy busy busy!!

I'll try and update while I'm away, so that people can see how much fun I'm having. I may even try and post some pictures. Admittedly, this assumes that someone actually reads my blog. Hmm. Hadn't thought of that before!

10 blogs. wow!

This is my tenth post. I'm really quite excited by that.

And, even though my job is kinda crap because I don't know what I want, and other things are really giving me the irits, (like people only giving one weeks notice and leaving a community program stranded, again) I want this to be a cheery post. I can tell anyone who cares to listen about the other stuff another day.

So, I'm going to tell you about my vespa. The pink one. I love it, and it really is pink! Custom, Harley Davidson Pink. One of a kind, and almost completely rebuilt after I stacked it a day after I bought it.

I love that bike. I don't ride it as much as I would like to, and that makes me a little sad, but I love knowing that it is there. Its an expensive thing to say that about, because this isn't some 50cc mini thing. No no, I went all out. I bought the 200cc Grand Turismo. and I love it.

I was all set to get the 150cc model, until the guy who assessed me for my motorbike license asked me if I would *really* be happy with that much power. So, when I eventually got my learner permit (after 2 goes at the written test. stupid stupid written test) I took the bigger one for a quick spin. I was hooked from the first corner. The pick up is so much better. Its a bit bigger all over, and that made me feel better in the traffic. and, it has shiny chrome mirrors, which the 150cc did not have at the time. Truth be told, I think that the mirrors were a big selling point.

And the pink part? I wasn't really a pink girl at the time. But, it just hit me when I saw the paint swatch, and I have never regretted my decision. love it love it love it!!

People are always telling me that it is not a good investment, that i should do something better with my money, that I don't ride it enough to justify having it. I think they just don't get it. I love my vespa. I love the feeling of riding it, I love knowing that it is there for when I need to blow the cobwebs out, and I love feeling different. Not everyone has a Pink Vespa.

But I do. And besides, if I can't do it at 25, when can i?

I love my pink vespa!! Can you tell??

job ugh

Life is good right now. Mostly.

I’m not sure about my job sometimes, but I just am not sure what I should do just yet. Sometimes it just seems to make me so miserable, I dread coming along. Maybe I should leave. But, I think that the bigger problem is that I am not sure whether this is even the right career for me. That scares me a lot. I spent 5 years at Uni, and another year in an internship type job. I owe the government a lot of money for my fees.

I think that my problem is that I am not too sure about if I’m even any good at this job. Or if I have the commitment to become good at it.

I have been thinking about changing to a different place. Don't think I have the balls just yet though.

It makes me feel so much better that I found this other blog where this girl is struggling too. I'm jealous as all get out of her though. Because she has the balls to do something about it.

I hope that it works out for her. I'll be sending her good vibes.

Mills and Boon Man

It has occured to me that I talk a lot about my boy, but today, I just can't help it. Today I just want to shout from the roof tops!

Sometimes, he drives me up the wall. I wish he was one of those demostrative guys, the kind who do sweet things on a regular basis, or sends flowers. You know the type. TV boys. Mills and Boon men, if you will.

He's not.

When I ask him about it, he always says that he just doesn't have time for stuff like that, and flowers die anyway. (So few boys really understand the power of flowers. that's another blog altogether!)

Today, he had the day off. Yesterday was Australia day, a public holiday here. It was a Thursday this year (it's always the 26th of January) so for most of us, it was back to work today. Not for my boy - he managed to wangle a day off, and so has a 4 day weekend. I asked him last night, as we were eating out Thai take out (so so good) if he would please do the dishes. He said he'd do them for me today.

I got home from work, and boy, had he done them. Washed them. Put them away. cleaned my kitchen sink and benches. made my bed. tidied my bedroom a little. And, he took my car, got the air con gases filled up, and arranged for it to get a cut and polish this weekend. Is he good or what?!

Maybe I don't get flowers, but the next time I'm complaining about how he never does anything for me, please remind me of this post! Flowers, schmowers. I'm gonna have a shiny shiny car again!

peer pressure

I think I'm driving boy nuts!

And it's all because my friends are settling down. And fast! They've been together much less than boy and I, and have moved in together and are playing happy families. My boy and I are not. and it kills me. I want that for us. I want to come home to him at night. I want to see him every morning. he says that he won't leave his mum's until he buys a place. and that he won't buy something small, and that he won't buy something old. and that he won't compromise. so really, he is saying he wants to build. which is pricey pricey. so I had a bit of a tizz at him, about when it would ever happen. if ever. i'm so impatient sometimes.

My friend J says that its just that I know what I want, so I go and get it. its gotten me where I am, and its just who I am. but with this whole relationship thing, its not just about me. learning to compromise is a good lesson.

My boy has figured me out though. he knows me. really knows me. knows when to not make a big deal out of my latest tizz, and just take me for a walk, and when to make me talk about it.

I'm so damn lucky, and I think I forget that sometimes. When am I ever going to realise what I really have in him??

He and I had a lovely day on Sunday, and I think if I relaxed and stopped worrying, we'd do that more. but I stress and worry, and I make life so difficult.

Water fights under the hose (i lost. BADLY. note to self - hose defeats water pistol everytime. next time, get the hose, brainiac!) and smooches, cuddles even when its boiling hot, he stays at my place 5 times more often than I stay at his, and he never complains. I feel like I do a lot. but maybe thats because I try to express everything with him. He doesn't say much, I say everything. it eats away at me if I don't, and that is bad bad bad. it will end in tears and disaster.

Patient man that one. I have a lot to learn. he may drive me nuts, but I love him, and i love his way. even when he's late everywhere, and never lets anything faze him. I think I wanna be like him. Mayeb we can bothe teach each other a few things.

I'm so lucky to have him.

and he's lucky to have me - he'd never ever be on time otherwise!

Blog Personality

I was thinking last night about what to blog next. And that got me to thinking about my blogging personality.

The thing is, I'm having trouble getting my own personality into my blog. I think I need some advice. If you're reading and you have advice for me, de-lurk and help!

The thing is, I have a pretty wicked sense of humour most of the time. Fairly dry, often sarcastic, and (i'd like to think) pretty quick! but, I don't seem to have any of that on my blog. I'm pretty sure that I sound boring, and i hate that. I want to sound like my life is right now - nothing out of the ordinary, but I love it! I'm having a great time now, and I don't think my blog sounds like that. I've thought about trying to put some of the conversations I have into my blog, but I think that often they are 'you had to be there' moments, and I really don't wanna sound like a total try-hard.

Maybe its because I blog at work (at lunchtime, or before or after the day) and I'm not entirely thrilled with my job right now. I'm having a minor career crisis, but I'm pretty sure it will pass soon enough. I'm just not sure about stuff. I don't want to say anything more than that just yet, and thats for a few reasons. Firstly, in case my boss comes across this and flips out. Second, because saying it out loud (or blogging it) makes it real, and means I have to think about it. I just don't wanna think about it. It makes my brain hurt, and maybe my heart a bit too.

I'm not sure, but I'll keep you posted.

In the mean time, my boy is excellent, and I find myself smiling as I start typing about him. He's just making me so damn happy right now. god I'm lucky. I'm starting to think that maybe he is it for me. really. he drives me mental, and sometimes I just wish I was with a lawyer or doctor or something, but he's lovely, and I can live with words like 'brang'. because that's him. he's rough around the edges, and I'm a little less normal than even my friends and family realise. He knows, and he loves me anyway. Maybe even because of it.

Lucky Lucky girl.

oops - long time no news

i just realised that it has been about a week since i posted. maybe more.

but then I realised that I don't think anyone actually reads my blog yet, so it doesn't actually matter!

I've been thinking a lot lately. No, really! Thinking about whether I really like my job. whether I like this town. whether my boy and I will stay together. whether i like my life.

not sure what the answers are, but heres what I've got so far.

my boy makes me happy, and I make him happy, so we'll just trust in the gods and see what happens.

and the rest... don't know. not even sure if I'm ready to say it all out loud yet.

decisions, decisions.

Boo Hiss... but yay!

Holidays Suck.

Well, actually, it is just the end of holidays that suck. Today is Monday, and tomorrow is my first day back at work after the Christmas break. I just don't wanna go! I have spent the past week camping with boy. We just lounged at the river, and skiied a little.

Lots of tension though in the last few days. We had spent 5 and a half days in peace. Lounging, eating, drinking, skiing, off to bed when we felt like it, and just generally relaxing. everyone got along, and life was good. then my ex (who is a good friend of all of ours, and in a roundabout way is how I met boy!) turned up with his girl and some friends. It just turned to crap. They refused to use their vehicle to help us out, and they just made us all feel yuckky.

I just wish they hadn't come along at all. We were having such a peaceful time, and they just ruined it. I felt cheated I supposed. Like they had cheated me of the last few days of relaxing, and had tainted the memory of the whole break. Boo Hiss to them.

But, on the positive side, boy and I had lots of time together, and he was the sweet boy he used to be. Before we both started stressing about stuff. Yucky stuff, that makes us both tense in our own ways. He is starting to become the man in public that he has always been in private.

My friends are noticing the difference, and are commenting out loud. I think that is awesome. that means that he is opening up to them, and showing them why I am so nuts about him. For a while they couldn't work it out, because we are so very different, and he was this withdrawn, shy boy. But, now he is starting to be the smart-ass he has always been with me, and is getting better at doing those sweet things that he knows I love.

When we first got together, he used to send me an sms every day, to tell me something sweet. he doesn't do that anymore, I guess that is what happens when you settle into a relationship. But, last night when I messaged him to tell him that my house was making funny noises and that i was a bit spooked, he was so cute! lots of messages to make sure I was ok. he invited me over (he was already in bed by this stage) but I decided I wanted to stay where I was and slay my own dragons for the night. He was so sweet though, I'm a very lucky girl, really!

Anyways, I suppose I should get back to work now. I will try and post some more later this week.