getting better

so, I was pretty upset about my work for a long while. it was just crap, my boss was being a total prat, and I was miserable. So I made a big decision, and decided that it was maybe time to head to the big smoke an try something new. I told Boy, and he was cool with it. Excited in his own way, and that was lovely.

now, my boss has gone and grown a brain, maybe he noticed how completely demoralised I was becoming, I don't know. In any case, he grew up.

And, in exciting, maybe I'm finally a grown up news, that it doesn't make a difference. Because, I am not just making this decision as a reaction to him. I am making this decision because it is important to boy (he's dying to get back to the big smoke, he lived there for 4 years) and because I think I need to push myself. Try something new. Challenge Myself.

My hometown will always be here. I will (assuming I handle leaving in the right way) be able to come back here. But, I will not always be able to go and try the big smoke.

I have no support network in the city like what I have here and that terrifies me. I think I would have gone over the edge without them this last few months. But, realistically, they'll head to the city soon, and more than being first to make the move, the idea of being one left behind is awful. terrible.

So, big decisions to be made. Big changes. I'll even do them without boy if that is what it takes.

Suggestions?? Ideas?? Comments?? Solutions to my nerves about this decision?? Please, I'm begging. Tell me I'm not insane.

Tell me I'll be ok.

slack slack slack

I wonder. how do I expect to ever have any regular readers if i never update?

I guess its partially because there isn't a lot that I can talk about happening. work is ok, it has its moments. I guess my greatest concern is that I am not really cut out for my career. I haven't been sleeping well, and that just makes me crazy.

I have gotten around that lately by distracting myself. When I wake up and start thinking about work, I then distract myself by planning stuff. Parties that I will never throw. outfits for places I'm not going, but I'd like to go to. its working a treat right now, cross your fingers for me that it keeps going.

My poor boy even commented to me 'where is my vespa-girl? she's not here with me, she's sure not at work? where is she?'

that made me really sad actually. he was so sweet. I've been so strung out by work lately, and I feel so low about myself, that I do silly things, like cry because I can't decide whether to stay at my place or go with him, or because he beats me at chess. (i suck at chess incidentally, and fully expected to lose.) go figure. he was so totally there for me friday, when I was teary and stupid, and I know he loves me. what more do I need? he tells me i'm pretty, even with a snotty nose, and knows when to make me talk to him, and when to leave me to stew.

even though he drives me nuts, I know he's it for me, and I love him. i think maybe i almost love him more when he drives me nuts. completely illogical I realise, but that is the mystery of love I guess.

i've found out that i should be coming into some money very soon (not that much, like a grand or two. hardly a million bucks, but my god will it make my life different for the next 6 months!), and i'm hoping that because that will seriously ease my money troubles, it will help me to relax a little.

public holiday tomorrow, for ANZAC day. I think that how grateful I am for the public holiday is totally outweighed by how grateful I am that those men and women fought for me. my flag, my nation, my way of life and my privilege to live it. even if I don't like the flag much sometimes, and wish we could do away with the union jack sometimes, because of these people I am free to say that. and equally, I will argue passionately that we should keep our flag that those brave people served under. maybe just as our way of tipping our hats to them.

total stream of consciousness post, but that is my life right now.

more soon.