for the times, they are a chaaaaaaaaanging...

Well, in the months and months it has been since i've posted, much has changed.

boy and i broke up. he did it, after we had a very bad night at his cousins 21st. he ignored me for the whole night, and i got really angry with him and took him on about it. when he eventually got the balls up to face me and apologise for his appaling behavoiur, he told me that he loved me to pieces, he just didn't love me as much as i deserved to be loved. i told him that was a cop-out, and a crock of shit. he admitted as much. he also told me that he wasn't dealing with his problems very well, and was drinking too much, and needed some space to sort it out. i suggested a break, because i'm a hopeless romantic, but he said single. i wish i had just kicked him out, instead of trying to solve shit. i should have kept all of my dignity, but instead i gave him a little bit.

i'd give myself a 7 out of 10 for the handling of the breakup. thats not a bad score i don't think. i wish i had cried less in front of him, and slapped him and kicked him out. on the plus side, i didn't beg, and i certainly never tried to get him back.

i was devastated, and part of me still misses him. this was a man i could see in my future. i thought he was 'the' man in my future. unfortunately, i think he had another woman in his present.

i asked him, and he denied it, but i don't believe him. he broke up with me on sunday, and by thursday, despite telling me he needed to be single to sort his shit out (and get sober), he had a new girlfriend. i tried to be his friend, but then all of a sudden i reached an important conclusion.

i don't want to be his friend right now.

i don't trust him, i don't believe him, and i certainly don't feel like i could rely on him. and that is what i need in friends. because i strive to be the friend you could ring at 3 am, and know that she would be there for you. i am pretty good at achieving that ambition too.

my dad got sick a few weeks ago, and spent the weekend in hospital. (he's fine now, mostly. they're doing tests, but the doctors don't seem too worried. they say maybe it was just a little heart attack. i think i'm supposed to be comforted by that.) i was in touch with his brother, because he's my motorbike mate, and i told him all about it. and i didn't hear a peep from boy. i know that maybe he just didn't know what to say, or how to tell me that he knew, but as a friend (which he certainly seems to want to be, the way he e-mails me) he should know that hearing from a friend is always a good start. a really good start.

i also wish i had taken my key off him on the spot, because he let himself into my home when i wasnt there to get his stuff. i went mental at him for that. he knew he'd stuffed up.

i think the best bit is that his family tell me that he has made the biggest mistake of his life. it feels good. it feels good to be still welcome at his place (i time it for when he's not there) and to get kisses from his grandma, and for his uncle to bring me chocolates and tell me how much boy screwed up. entirely unsolicited comments i might add. my policy has been to say that we broke up, and it was his call, but to say nothing more. its part of my retaining my dignity plan. and its working! i don't look sour, i just look honest and sincere. i think its handy that i'm not sour. i'm not bitchy, i don't wish him massive ills (just little ones. like zits and miserable dreams where he realises just how hot i really am!) i just feel reassured to know that i was not the one who ran (because i usually do that) and i didn't chicken out, and i didn't bail on him. i tried. hard.

anyways, i am now moving on. i have a few plans, and i'm going to let you in on them, once i work them out crystal clear in my head!

i had a little fling, but he's 4 years younger than me, and it just wasn't going to happen. but, the fling and i (lets call him the workie) are great mates, and now have heaps of fun together. we go places, and he cooks for me, and truthfully, he's damn good for the ego!